Monday, August 15, 2011

A Ramble on the Future, the Present, and the Past

Today I have been pretty laid-back and relaxed.  No big mishaps.  I went to lunch with Annie, whom I haven't seen since January when second semester started.  She's been in Ohio all summer for an internship that she got there.  She seems to have had a great time, and I'm very envious of her.  It makes me really wonder what I'm doing with my life right now.  I mean, I could have done something like that.  If I was somewhere that had more opportunities than the place I am now currently has, I could do that.  Annie was at Denison all summer for that; Liz was in Chicago all summer doing her thing.  It's not so much that I want to get away from my family or my hometown because of who and what they are - I love my family dearly, and I love this area too...  

But the fact is that this area and these people are all I have ever really known.  I want to get out and see the world a little more.  I'm pretty much stuck here until I'm done with school.  I've already put this much money into going to A-B, and the bio program there is actually really good, really competitive.  To go somewhere else now feels like it would be throwing all that money away.  

Now I'm thinking maybe I'll take a year off or something once I get my degree.  Move somewhere else, get a job, experience new places, new people.  If I want to change my life, I'm the only one who can do it.  I can envy people who have all I want, but that doesn't change my situation.  They got to where they are because they did something about it.  

And you know, I don't really regret going to A-B to start out with...I don't really know how to describe my feelings toward it now.  It's a great school, but they seem more and more like they don't have a lot of their stuff together.  My program has been great, but losing the accreditation of the PA program?  Struggling for money every year because of losing so many more students due to said accreditation loss - students that they couldn't afford to lose?  And now they're spending MORE money to build a football field, among other things, in the hopes of having more teams that more students would be interested in, thus drawing more kids in.  It's a good plan....but I'd like to know where that money is coming from.  I pay out the butt to go there...it's nearly $30,000 a year.  I'm lucky enough to have scholarships and grants, but I still have to take out loans...and those are loans that I wouldn't have to take out if I went somewhere like WVU.  Too bad I'm not interested in WVU because I don't want to go somewhere that huge and with so many distractions.

Ahhh, why oh why, did they have to lose that damn program? I had everything so figured out when I first went there.  Then my whole world got rocked with that news - less than a month after I got there.  Two of my friends left due to the loss, and I wonder if I should have gotten out then like they did.  It's funny, because Annie actually made the comment today that out of all of our friends, I was the only one who knew from the start what I wanted to do with my life.  By senior year, I had made up my mind.  Now looking back, I wonder how much of that was me and how much of it was actually me just doing what I felt like everyone else thought I would be good at.  I really don't know.  What I do know is that I don't want to do that anymore.  I love science, and I want to do something with it, but not as a PA. Maybe not even as a doctor.  Which really sucks, because that's all I've looked at forever.  I need to find something to do with my degree once I'm done.  If grad school happens, then maybe I'll take that first year after school off, earn and save some more money and really take a look at my life and where I want to go with it at that point.  Who knows?  It's all so up in the air right now.  

But the one thing I know for sure, is that I want to see more places, do new things, and experience the real world more than I already have.  I can mark one thing off my growing list of things I want to do in my life - I own a horse.  I have a real world (kinda) job.  I'm waitressing.  I don't know how long I'll remain where I am with my job, but at least I have actual waitressing experience now.  It will make it easier to get a job later on.  Tip money is amazing - that's another lesson I have learned.  I'm focusing on saving what I have.  Only spending when I need to.  That's going to be a very good habit to get into.  :)

Anyway, new places, new things, new experiences, and living life to the fullest every day.  That's what I want to do.  The future is the future.  I can look into what I want, and when it's time for a change, I pray that I will know it's time.  For now, that's all I can ask.