Orion - Writing Challenge, Day 14

Yesterday morning I put my foot down.  I've had plenty of plans to go out where I board Orion in past couple weeks, and none of them have panned out for one reason or another.  So, Saturday morning, I woke up and decided that since there were potential plans for the day that were undecided and wouldn't happen for a bit if they did indeed happen, I jumped up, took care of the furballs, and headed out for a visit.

I didn't have any plans of doing any real work.  It's been a while since I've really spent any substantial time with Orion, whether for work or play.  I wanted to just hang out with him for a little bit and reconnect.

 It couldn't have gone any better than it did.  We had the barn to ourselves.  He was in the section he likes to go into, and there are places to tie to in there, so I just haltered him and tied him where he was and set to work grooming him and talking to him as I did.  He likes hearing the sound of someone's voice when they're working with him.

His legs were in good shape - no heat or swelling.  There rarely is anymore, but I check every time I'm there just to make sure he doesn't need any bute or poultice/wraps.  He's literally gone over a year in the past without an obvious DSLD flare up, but since it's not something that will ever go away, I usually check just to be safe.  Nothing out of the ordinary yesterday.

Massages are sooo relaxing...even for horses.

I took my time grooming him and did a little massage on his front legs since they're usually his trouble spot.  I figured it couldn't hurt anything and that he'd probably like it....which he did.  I got lots of nuzzles and sniffing while I knelt next to him to do the massage.  He was super sweet and lovey the whole time.  Sometimes he's a stubborn snot, but that wasn't the case yesterday, thank goodness. Haha.

I spent about an hour and a half hanging out with him, and even when I took the halter and rope off, he was content just to hang out with me there in the barn.  He stood at his gate and watched me walk away when I left.  I'm going to have to try to find time to go back out this week and have another visit like that.

Re-establishing that ground relationship will be important once we eventually do start trying to do anything under saddle again.  That's probably still a long, long way off, but I'll update here as things progress!

Dr. Kellon's Study

Well, I finally took the plunge and applied for Dr. Kellon's study on DSLD and am hoping to start getting Orion supplements.  I know that this recent flare up is most definitely due in part to the mud and his hooves being too long at the moment, but I've been wanting to get him started on this for a long time now, so I just submitted the form.  Part of my issue was money, but the larger part was that I knew before that I couldn't get out there to give him the supplements every day like it needed to be and did not want to lay that onto whoever was boarding him.  It's not fair to them, and I prefer to be in charge of it just so that I know for sure what he is getting and how often and how that is effecting him, etc. etc.

So now if we get approved for the study and can start on the J-herb and AAKG, we will see what happens when that is paired with me keeping his hooves trimmed to where they should be and everything else that goes with his upkeep on my part.  I am anxious to find out how this goes.  I hate seeing him in pain and want to prevent that as much as I can.  This disease sucks, but we will fight it.

Read more about Dr. Kellon's study here: 

http://buyaakg.weebly.com/dr-kellons-de-study-info.html

Thankful, Day One

Well, Carly "roped" me into this one, and that's fine.  I'm supposed to name 3 things I'm thankful for for 7 days. And like her, I feel like doing it. I need some more positivity in my life right now.  However, due to how much time I want to dedicate to this first one, today I'm only going to do one.  He deserves that.

1. Orion.

I think everyone could have guessed this.  And it's fitting to put this on here now because the more I've thought about it, the more I've realized that I only ever seem to put problems that I have with Orion on here.  It's not something I do all the time, but the other day when I said I didn't have any reason to believe he'd be bad for the vet, or something like that, my friend who was with me said something along the lines of, "Are you kidding? Everything I ever hear of Orion is of him being bad."    .......     Wow. That doesn't reflect on her, but it does reflect on me. I write about the bad a lot because I'm looking for advice on how to fix it, but I don't write about the good nearly enough.

I love everything about this horse, including his difficulties, but here's the thing. He came into my life at a time when I wasn't really looking for a horse. Did I want one? Hell yes. Did I think I could pull off owning one? No. I had just started a new job, which was a plus, but other than that, I still felt like my life was a mess.  I felt like a had no sense of direction and just couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life, something that continued until these last six months or so.  Orion was kind of dropped into my life, for cheap, and though he had problems, they weren't something I couldn't handle.  I didn't know if I'd ever be able to ride him, but that was fine. I wanted to do groundwork and aromatherapy and massage therapy, things I had read about and always wanted to try, but above all, I wanted my heart horse. That companion horse that would always be there for me that I could bond with and love and have love me back unconditionally.  I didn't know at the start if Orion would become that or not, but I hoped.  And if I couldn't ride him, it would be okay.  I could still do everything else, and I could still try to have that bond.

When I got him, he couldn't really have cared less about any one person specifically.  As long as he was cared for, he was content.  He seemed a little bitter with the world at times, but with how his legs were probably hurting him, who could blame him? I think we all get that way to an extent when we're hurting.  You could tell he appreciated what I did for him, but it took a long time to really truly bond with him and to see that manifest itself in him.  I loved the crap out of him and got to know his quirks and what worked and what didn't when working with him. We had a lot of mishaps along the way. It's been a constant learning curve, and there have been lots of challenges.

The first time he came to me in the field, on his own, was a great moment.  For at least the first year I think, he would look up at my whistle, see me coming, and go back to grazing. "Cool, you're here. Whatever. You can come to me; I'll just stay here."  Then one day, after spending about a week going out there consistently, I grabbed his halter and headed into the pasture and whistled.  His head came up from grazing, he whinnied, and trotted over to me, leaving the other horses completely behind.  He dropped his head to me and gently sniffed my hair and face, which has since become his normal greeting.  He doesn't always have this eager of a reaction, but he normally will at the very least meet me halfway.

The biggest moment I think I've had with him was when my grandma got sick a couple months before she died.  She had been like a second mom to me, and it was pretty clear that this might be the illness that finally did her in.  The doctors weren't that optimistic about her chances of recovering.  After returning from the hospital, I didn't want to go back to my mom's house. I wanted to go to the barn.  I just wanted to be alone with my horse with no other people around.  I appreciated people trying to make me feel better, but it was all either "I'm so sorry," which didn't make me feel better at all because it was a reminder of what was going on and how bad it could be, or they were overly optimistic, which didn't help either because I knew what they were saying wasn't accurate and wouldn't happen.  I just wanted silence and the unconditional love of my horse, and I just hoped he wasn't in an overly ornery mood. 

He wasn't. He was standing in the woods beside the creek, and I went out with halter and lead rope but no real intention of bringing him in.  He came right to me as I entered the treeline and pushed his nose into the halter as I put it on him.  I ended up just draping the rope over his shoulders and not holding onto it. I didn't need it. He stood still and close to me while I put my arms around his neck and cried.  He even gave me his version of a horse hug by turning and resting his muzzle against my back, so that I was folded between his face and his neck, and he stayed like that until I calmed down.  I sat down on a nearby log, and he walked over and just stood there with me. Like Carly's moment with Skip, he didn't know what was wrong, but he knew that I needed him.

There have been many other moments like this since.  Anytime I need to just get away from life (or embrace it by going somewhere away from people to at least figure stuff out), I try to go to him.  Deaths, breakups, disappointments...I go to Orion.  Yes, he's a horse, so he doesn't get why I feel the way I do, but he gets that I'm upset and is concerned about me. 

We have our ups and downs, but I really do have that bond that I always wanted with a horse with him.  He is my heart horse, and I don't know what I would ever do without him.  He's been the one constant thing in my life that loves me unconditionally and doesn't care what I do or how many times I fail. It's what makes all of this new information so hard, because I know how it will eventually end.  But that doesn't make me any less thankful for the time I've had with him or the time that remains.  I will always be thankful for the opportunity I had to buy him and everything that I have learned and experienced since, but most of all for this bond and this horse.

Sunday Visit

Chelsea and I went out to visit Orion yesterday.  Before heading out, we stopped at Sheetz for lunch, and I picked up a bowl of carrots from their to go section.  The horses were happy with us, to say the least.  Orion was his usual GIVEMEFOODNOW self, but when I promptly took away said food when he got too nippy about taking it from me, he chilled and acted a little more like a gentleman (You can see it done once in the following video, but it was done more before this video was taken. He'd mostly learned his lesson by this point.).  Merrill enjoyed them as well, but no one was more polite and gentle than Vanna, who slowly and gently lipped the carrots out of my hand with great care not to catch any fingers.  The boys, on the other hand, had to be watched carefully, and as soon as the carrots were partway in their mouths, I quickly pulled my hand away.  They wouldn't take them from a flat palm, so I was playing with fire in the way I was feeding them. Well actually, correction: They tried to take them from a flat palm, but for some reason they were failing all over the place, and carrots were all over the ground outside the fence. -_-

I got Orion's medical record from Friday today, and they did officially diagnose him with DSLD. I wasn't sure if it was official just from the visit, though it seemed to be leaning that way. The record solidified that idea though.

This picture isn't great because they're not standing the same way and are on an incline, but you can still see Orion's fetlocks (he's the one with the white) vs. Merrill's.

All we really did out there was treat the horses and love on them, especially Orion. Chels got some good pictures of me with him, but I'll post them after she's done whatever she wants to with them and has posted them on Facebook or sent them to me. For now, I just have these that were taken with my camera phone:

"Oh look, the humans are coming."

Swatting flies for each other. I guess Vanna gets the short end of the stick with this. lol

Chelsea and Orion sharing a moment.

I love how Vanna looks like she's imitating Chelsea. She's not, but the picture made me laugh when I went back through them later.

He went to get a drink and then apparently decided our company wasn't interesting enough anymore.

Pony! This little guy's name is Tommy, and the BO bought him for his niece.  He's adorable and tiny and has the cutest liiiiiittle, tiny, high-pitched whinny. (Oh and for anyone who might not get just how small he is....the full-size horses can only fit their muzzle through that hole. Tommy fits his whole head through it.)

The Prognosis

I still feel like, to a certain degree, I’m still processing the news that I got yesterday.  I know what’s happening, what I have to do now, and what I will eventually have to do.  I knew that I would probably get the news that I did, but I was hoping and praying that I wouldn’t.  I expected it, but I didn’t want it.

Orion has a tendon/suspensory problem.  He’s not too bothered by it, but it’s there.  It may be part of the reason why he reacted the way he did the day I tried to get on him at the new place.  From what I understand about DSLD, which wasn’t officially diagnosed but has a good possibility of being what he has, it’s always there, but there are good days and bad days.  That may have been a bad day, and because he’s such a chill horse most of the time, he just wasn’t letting on that anything was bothering him.  Heck, even yesterday when the vet was messing with his legs and really cranking down on his tendons in places, he couldn’t have cared less.  He just stood there, calm as could be, sometimes nuzzling Sara, me, and at times, the vet herself, loving on everyone and just being his usual loves the world self.

So he is okay for now.  There are a couple things that I am going to add to his regimen that weren’t there before, such as putting a bar shoe on both front feet to help take some of the strain off of his suspensories, and starting him on Biotin as a supplement.  Both were suggested by his vet.  Also suggested by her were things that we’ve already been doing in an effort to try to reverse what had been done (I know now that these things will never actually reverse it, but they will/are helping make him more comfortable), such as lowering his heels (his farrier has been doing this, and I had planned to start doing it myself in between farrier visits this summer), using SMB boots or polo wraps for added support when doing anything with him (I’ve done this from the beginning, first with polos and starting a couple years ago with SMBs), and keeping him at a healthy weight so that he doesn’t have any extra unneeded strain on his legs.  His weight hasn’t been an issue until recently.  He was at a pretty healthy normal weight until the last few months, at which point he’s started to turn into a regular chunkmeister. Until I can ride again and when my arm is strong enough to deal with it, he’s going to start walking with me everywhere.  If I can get a friend to come walk with me before my arm is strong enough, he can walk then too, with them leading him.

He can still be ridden at a walk as long as it doesn’t bother him and he doesn’t come up lame because of it.  We rarely went above a trot when riding anyway, and even that wasn’t often, so this isn’t a big concession.  I’ve always been super paranoid about what I do with him because of his previous tendon issues, so I guess in hindsight, that’s a very good thing.  And the fact that he can still be ridden is good, because that means I have another means of exercising him besides hand-walking and lungeing.

She also left me with a tube of bute and instructed me to give him a gram of it if he seemed to be in pain.  No more than four grams a day, but if it gets to the point that he needs more than even two grams, I’m to call her and let her know.  At that point, it might be time to re-evaluate.

In talking to Liz yesterday, we contemplated the possibility that he’s always had this condition.  She was looking at pictures from the first day she met him, before getting him, and said that even then, his fetlocks looked “wonky”, though nowhere near as severe as they are now.  It wasn’t enough that anyone really took notice until the last year or two, and it didn’t drastically become worse until the first half of this year.  Throughout it all, he hasn’t seemed bothered by it and has never come up lame because of it; for now, it just looks bad.  If he did have it before she got him though, it would definitely explain why he broke down as badly as he did while they were training. 

Following that same train of thought, it makes me wonder if the reason he is a “left-handed” horse is because of this as well.  He’s always preferred going in a counter-clockwise circle when we lunge and put up a huge fuss about going clockwise.  The same goes for turning when riding. He majorly prefers turning to his left over his right.  His right leg was the one that was ouchier during the vet visit yesterday, and if I’m remembering correctly, it took the right leg a little longer to fully heal when he had his tendon injuries.  I never put two and two together, but with this new bit of information, it really makes me wonder.

Later on we might do some ultrasounds to have something to refer to as it gets worse, but at this point, they would have shown the same thing no matter what actually is going on.  There would be disruptions and abnormalities in his tendons and suspensories because it’s already obvious something is going on.  On top of that, we didn’t have enough electricity to run an ultrasound yesterday, so next time I’m going to find somewhere that we can hook up the machine just for those shots of his legs.  Regardless of what the ultrasound showed, the treatment would have been the same, so there really wasn’t any vital information lost by not doing them.

So that’s pretty much all there is to know for now.    I’m going to start cracking down on his diet, exercise, and these things with his feet (shoes will go in the few couple weeks).  But above all, I’m going to love the crap out of him even more than I normally do and make sure he has the best life he can possibly have for as long as he is happy and can be made comfortable.  I hope that this is a period of years, but no matter how long he’s still here for, I’m going to make the most of the time that I have with him.

Bad News

I learned today that Orion is having tendon/suspensory problems, andhile not specifically diagnosed as DSLD, it's pretty clear that it will only get worse from here. He's not in too much pain right now but definitely was a little bit touchy through his back and both front legs, especially his right front, which is worse than the left.

There are things that I can and will do to possibly slightly slow the degeneration process and to take some of the strain off his legs and manage his pain as it gets worse, but the bottom line in this is that he is going to get worse. There's just no telling how fast it will progress. Eventually (and I'm praying that this will be a long time from now and give me as much time as possible with him) I will have to put him down.

When the pain can't be managed anymore and living is not worth it for him anymore, it will have to be done. I want as much time as I can get with him, but I will not let him suffer unnecessarily.

So I know this is a short post, but I will elaborate and go into more detail later. I feel the need to process this for a day or so longer in order to give this topic the attention it deserves. I've known for a while that this might be the news I would receive, but my mind is still kind of an emotional mess at the moment.

Photo by Liz Stout. Cropped by me.

That Feeling

I've definitely felt this before:

Anyone else ever have this feeling? lol

Considering recent events in my life, I've just been wondering, what's the worst fall/throw you've had?

Theories Of Why All Hell Broke Loose

So, in my last post, I told all about what happened when I tried to get on Orion at the new place.  I've talked at length with a few people that I trust in all matters horse and otherwise about it, and these are the things we have come up with.

1. Boss horse who thinks he's a badass mentality
2. Seclusion from other horses during work
3. Pain
4. New place
5. New blanket
6. Bee sting/fly bite (But really, no.)

1. Boss horse who thinks he's a badass mentality.
It quickly became clear, pretty much from the moment he was put in with his new herd, that Orion is going to have a much higher spot in herd dynamics from what he used to be.  In every other place he's ever been in, no matter how many or what kind of horses he was with, Orion has been at the bottom of the totem pole.  No respect from other horses.  Bullied constantly.  Wouldn't stand up for himself.  Most of the time not allowed a primary spot in the barn with the other horses, or really even to hang out with them in the field.  For a time, he had a buddy who was pretty much herd royalty and didn't take crap from anyone, and that helped him out a little.  After that horse (who was very old) died, Orion still had lingering privileges that he had gained when buddied up with him.  Also after he died, he started standing up for himself more.  Not enough to rise to the top, but enough to keep from constantly getting his ass kicked and to allow him to socialize more and make new friends.

So, imagine my surprise when he immediately seemed to take the lead with Merrill and Vanna.  Huh.  Oookay then.  I had joked around beforehand that it would be hilarious if he became boss horse....welllll.... I didn't really think it would happen, and I definitely didn't think about the consequences it might have on our dynamic.

It had been discussed in the past that his overly pushy, stubborn demeanor (which came out a LOT in the early days, whether from the ground or under saddle) might be coming from the fact that he couldn't be assertive in the field, but with little old me (or any other person if you want to compare their size to his), it was obvious he could get his way just by throwing his weight around, threatening to bite or kick (or in some situations, actually biting), and just overall acting like an asshole.  I worked with him from the ground A TON to form a bond and still gain his respect.  I learned the hard way that I couldn't just be his friend.  I had to be his leader, because while I wanted a partnership first and foremost, there had to be a leader in the dynamic, and it couldn't be him.  I learned just how aggressive I sometimes had to be from the ground.  When we started riding more, it was a whole new learning curve of learning just how aggressive I sometimes needed to be when he was under saddle, and over the course of a summer when I was actually able to work with him a lot, he started behaving really well for me no matter what we were doing.  As free time dwindled and I was forced to go out less and less, those manners started to dissipate.  I learned pretty quickly that if I hadn't been out there for a while, I needed to do some serious back-to-the-basics work for the first part of our visit; otherwise, he had the idea that he was still in control of everything he did, just like he had been for months in the field with no work.

I write all of this because this is the basic process I have been through with this horse for the past three years.  He's grown better through leaps and bounds and has definitely had some two-steps-back situations, but altogether, he's a very different horse than when I first met him.  But all of that work was done while he was in the same herd, with fairly consistent dynamics, at least as far as he was concerned.

This is why I feel like this is one of the biggest reasons he acted out when I got on him.  Our bond and respect for each other has ALWAYS been stronger from the ground because that's where we've done the most work together.  His respect for me from the saddle has always been shakier because we've done less work there.  So it makes sense that he was being good, calm, collected, and giving no signs of what was to come when I was dealing with him from the ground that day. We haven't had a problem with that in a long time.  It wasn't until I got on him - literally THAT SECOND - that he blew up.  A close friend recently said that it seems like he was in the mindset of, "It's MY body, and I'll do what I WANT," which obviously did not include riding in a new place.

2. Seclusion from other horses during work.
This was something I honestly hadn't given a whole lot of thought until after the fact.  At the old barn, the paddock that we groomed, tacked up, and did any kind of groundwork in, was just on the other side of the fence from the field where the other horses were.  So even when we brought them "in", they were still able to interact with their friends from the other side of the fence.

Cut to the new barn: It's a good long walk up the road from the field the horses are currently in.  He couldn't interact with his new friends.  He only had me and a big, unfamiliar barn.  Yes, we did a bunch of stuff there that morning before this happened.  Yes, I loved on him and spent time just trying to get him to chill and relax further so he would associate this new place with those kind of things, in addition to the work we'll hopefully be doing there.  But in retrospect, even though he was calm, the whole time we were there, he was staring up the driveway, back the way we'd come from - back toward the field and his friends.

My other top theory is that he knows I can't stay on him for more than a few seconds when he bucks.  He knows that.  He's done it to me four times now (including this last one).  Once was on our way through an empty field to get to some trails, and he didn't want to leave the barn and got pissed at me when I wouldn't let him go back.  Once was when he got bit by a ginormous horse fly (I barely stayed on for that one) in the paddock.  The other time was last fall when we had the Gator/four-wheeler incident (that was one buck that technically didn't unseat me, but it came damn close.  What actually did it was when he whirled and fell into the ditch).  Then there was this, which was by far the hardest he's ever bucked with a rider.  I think he knew he could throw me so he could go back to his buddies, which is exactly what happened.  He didn't wait around as he has when I've been thrown or fallen (I've fallen more than been thrown) in the past.  He was there for maybe 30 seconds before he trotted up the drive and back to his herd.

Not okay.

Pain.
This is a new one that I don't really think I've discussed on here before.  I don't necessarily think this was the reason for what happened that day, but it is something I want to get checked out in the near future.

It was suggested to me last summer that Orion may have a condition known as degenerative suspensory ligament desmitis, or DSLD.  I've never had him checked for it because it hasn't appeared to cause him pain.  I have, however, been watching for it to see if the symptoms worsen....and they have.

The most obvious symptom is dropping of the fetlocks.  The condition usually develops after a tendon or suspensory ligament injury (deep digital flexor tendon strains, anyone?), and the weakening of the ligament causes the fetlocks to sink lower to the ground.  Going back through pictures, it's slightly noticeable in the first couple of years that I had him.  I didn't know anything about it until a year ago, but when I did find out, I decided to do some research and ultimately made the decision to wait and see.  The thing is, there's not a whole lot that can be done for it if he does have it.  There are some experimental treatments, but most of them are insanely expensive.  The only way to really diagnose it is through ultrasound, which is what I'm planning to see if I can have done.

The reason for doing this now is not that he appears to be in pain, though now that I have him closer, I plan on watching him very carefully to see if any develops.  The reason is because ever since I found out about this, I've been paranoid and anal about watching his legs every time I'm out there.  They do appear to have gotten worse since I bought him.  I was willing to admit that.  They weren't perfect then either (his conformation has always been wonky; it's just how he is), but they looked better than when all of this was brought up.  Before the end of May, I hadn't been able to do anything with him since the end of January.  I had taken out grain and gone out to pay my board and had always run out to check on him and say hi, but those visits didn't last long.  It didn't occur to me at those times to look at his legs.  When I went out by myself in May, I noticed how much different his legs appeared to be.  And in the next couple visits leading up to the move, I noticed it again - it was like it jumped out at me, which is what really made me take a step back and go, "Holy crap, that's bad."

That is what made me start kicking around the idea to have him looked at.  I was thinking about it before any of this went down.  Now that he's where I can go out at a moment's notice, I want to have it done.  Whether he has it or not, it will give me peace of mind in knowing.  If he doesn't, we'll know it's just bad conformation.  If he does.....I will give him the life he deserves until it's no longer good for him.  I won't let him suffer if that's what happens.  But I will give him the best life possible in the time he has.

I hate even talking about that possibility.  I was discussing it with my mom a few days ago and completely lost it and started crying, and so did she.  No one wants that to happen.  But it's a real possibility.  Maybe not in the near future - it may be years and years down the road.  But if he has DSLD, there's nothing that can be done for it, and there's a possibility that eventually, the only humane thing left to do would be to put him down.

I just hope with all my heart that it doesn't come to that.

4. New place.
I've heard this one suggested over and over again. I won't deny that it may have played a factor in some way, but really, I don't think this is what caused it.  From his behavior during every other part of the visit, I expected a little nervousness, maybe some jigging, or "WTF is that?" reactions - things he's done in the past when dealing with something new and a little scary - if he even did any of that.  I know a lot of horses have bad reactions to new places, but my horse has always been ultra chill about almost anything new put in front of him.  If he were to do anything in reaction to being in a new place, I really don't think it would have been anything as extreme as what he did.

5. New blanket.
The only difference in our tack that day was his new Western saddle blanket.  This has been suggested, but I don't think this was a factor either.  It was a different material than what we've been using, but not something different than he's experienced before.  It has wool padding, which we've used in the past.  I spent a good long while looking over it when I took the tags out to make sure there weren't any little plastic pieces left behind that could poke him, and by the time I was done, they were all accounted for and not in the blanket anymore.

6. Bee sting/fly bite (But really, no.)
This just occurred to me in the last few days, mostly because it's been a reason for him bucking once before.  But honestly, I don't think that would have warranted bucking of that violence.  Plus, the flies and other insects had been leaving him alone for a while at this point, as I had doused him with fly spray not once, but twice that morning.


So, those are my ideas.  If anyone has anything to share or add, please feel free to do so.  My shoulder isn't at the point where I can go start working with him yet, so I'm still in the planning phase of what to do when I can get back out there to do stuff.  Any help or advice is much appreciated!