Friday, October 11, 2013

Moving Forward

A lot has happened recently that I didn't really want to write about on here. Both because of my own doubts about the situation and myself and the person it deals with, and for the privacy of that same person.

But now... I don't know. I'm not going to go into nitty gritty details other than to say that I recently went through a break up. Instead, I feel like I just need to put my feelings out there on the matter now, as they are nearly a month later. I did not want this break up to happen and feel that it could have been avoided. I tried to reach out to him and help him because he's going through a lot. But the bottom line, I think, is that he feels like he needs to handle his life on his own right now in order to make the plan he sees for his life happen...And apparently I'm not part of that plan. Maybe I never really was. I don't know anymore.

It's taken me a long ass time to figure out what I'm doing after college. Longer than it should have, really. But that's just how it was. I didn't want to rush my decision and end up making the wrong one and end up doing something for the rest of my life that doesn't make me feel happy and fulfilled. 

Honestly, I still don't know EXACTLY what that thing will be, but I feel like I'm a lot closer to the answer now than I was just a few months ago, even. I feel like I'm definitely on the right track now.

But... It took me a long time to figure things out to the point that I'm at. And all of that time that I was thinking and weighing my options and researching, alongside working to make ends meet, I think all he saw was that I was standing still. That I was stalled. That I wasn't going to do anything with my life anytime soon. And you know, in a way, maybe I was, temporarily. But he didn't stick around to see that it WAS only temporary. That I AM working on everything he thought I wasn't doing anything about.

The whole time I was weighing these decisions, I was constantly factoring him into them because I wanted him in my life. To me, he was the love of my life. I honestly thought he was the one I was going to end up spending the rest of my life with. There have been a couple of people I ALMOST felt like that about, but there were always factors that kept me from feeling it. With him, those factors weren't there. I didn't know if it would happen or not, and it was definitely way too soon and completely wrong timing to mention to him that I felt that way... but I still felt it, and it was the first time I could actually see that with anyone. I had that epiphany on my own one night, and then a few minutes later, I was blindsided over the phone by the words, "I think I need a break."

In truth, maybe that was what I needed to light a fire under my ass to get moving. I don't feel that he was holding me back in any way. My plans haven't changed very much yet because while I had factored him into them, I hadn't based them off of him, thank God. But his choice to walk away caused me to go into hyper mode and throw myself, completely, into my work, my studying, and my planning, just to get me through the day and give me a focus so that I wasn't constantly thinking of the pain I was in at every hour of the day.

And I was definitely in that pain. All. The. Time. All it took was an unbidden memory flitting across my mind to make me come completely undone and lose it. I put on a happy carefree front with people most of the time just so that I could try to trick myself into believing it was true. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't. I think I did a pretty good job of making him think I was okay, at least after the first week.

I know that I'm not completely over it yet. I don't know if I'll ever be over him.

What I do know is that I'm trying like hell to move forward. I want to be there for him, but I learned a long time ago that sometimes no matter how much you want to be with someone and to help them be okay, sometimes there's just nothing you can do. Sometimes they need to make themself okay. And sometimes that means that they can't be what they need to be to make a relationship work. I hate it...so much...but it happens, I guess.

So, I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that I can't sit around waiting for something that I have no control over, and I can't keep running after someone who doesn't want to or thinks he can't fight for me.

Instead, I'm doing everything I can to make my days meaningful and productive and happy. 

That's really all I can do.