Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Thoughts

This marks my return to the blog world as I try to balance blogging, work, proofreading, Orion, and housework...

This is going to be a little out of left field to most of you. I AM PERFECTLY FINE...I just really felt the need to write it and put it out there tonight. Maybe it will help someone...

*Warning. There is some language.*

Sometimes bad things happen, things that are unimaginable and seem impossible to get through. The only way to get through them is to just keep. going. You can't sit here and bitch and act like the world screwed you over, even though maybe it really did. You've gotta pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep trying to live a fulfilling life. Nothing else works. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it does lessen them. I've lost people - one of whom was as close as a parent. That pain never truly goes away, but it does lessen. It does get better.

There are still moments where it hits me really hard that I'll never hear her voice again and that the memory of her voice, her smile, isn't as crystal clear as it used to be. I'll never get to talk to her and tell her about everything going on in my life again and hear what she thinks of everything. She didn't see me graduate college. She won't see me get into or graduate grad school. She doesn't know the career I've finally decided to pursue, or that I suffered the worst heartbreak of my life thus far last year, or that I had the worst, scariest accident I've ever had last summer. She doesn't know how much I've learned and experienced throughout college and these initial years afterward. She will never see me get married. When I eventually have children, they won't get to meet her.

It sucks. It's depressing. I told her everything before she had her stroke, and in the rare moments at the nursing home when we had some privacy, I told her a lot then, but our conversations were never the same because she couldn't fully participate. She got her point across most of time, but it was never the same again. Now that she's gone, even those half-conversations aren't an option. I can only hope that she's somehow watching and knows what's going on in my life, that I'm living it in a way that she approves of, and that she's proud.

I try to be positive about everything, good or bad, in my life and others', and to look at things in a positive light, to find the good in people and in situations. It's not because I'm naive. I know damn well that this world is a screwed up place and that there are some truly sick people in it. There are also misguided ones who will take advantage of every opportunity handed to them and don't care about anyone but themselves. But that's not my focus. I'm aware and know it's all there, but I try to find the good and the positive anyway, because that's what she taught me to do. I watched her do it my entire childhood. Growing up, she was my rock through all the times I moved, all the things my mom and I went through, everything. And she always showed me a different way of looking at things and dealing with people that I've tried to adopt into my own life. Sometimes I fail miserably, but even so, I think it's the greatest gift she ever could have given me, and it's a piece of her that will never die.

If you've lost someone in your life, I am truly sorry. I know how terrible that pain can be. But just remember that the only way to get through it is to try to keep your head up, stay positive, remember the good times, and take advantage of the support system you have. Above all, just keep going, stay busy, and move forward. That's all you can do, and it's probably what they would want for you. It gets easier; you've just got to make it to that point first.