Friday, April 8, 2011

Day 7 - April 8, 2011

Your Dream Wedding


This is another tough one.  At one point in time, I could have told you exactly how I wanted my wedding to be.  Lately though, I'm really not so sure.  I've just wanted to focus on right here and now.  Thinking ahead too much can be distracting, and thinking about a wedding is definitely thinking ahead for me.  It won't be happening any time soon, and I honestly couldn't even tell you who with at this point.  There's been a lot of changes in my life the past year, and I think about things a lot differently.

Honestly, there was a time when, if Ethan had asked me to marry him I would have said yes.  I know it sounds stupid to everyone, but I would have because I thought he was the one and we were going to end up together.  Things changed when we came to college though.  A lot.  And eventually it got to be too much to handle for me.  We broke up because I needed to focus on myself and getting back what I felt I had lost (yes, I know how selfish that sounds, but it turned out to be a good thing).  Knowing how things have turned out, I am so glad he never asked, and we didn't make that mistake.

Now, I know that I am who I am supposed to be.  It took me a while to figure it out, but I feel more like myself than I have in years.  I feel closer to God, and I feel more balanced and better able to juggle everything that I have going on in my life.  It's a lot.  Classes, labs, band, family, friends, God, work, time for myself every once in a while, time to just sit down and breathe.  All of that is important to me, and for a while I felt like I just couldn't balance it all out.  Someone or something was continuously getting bumped out, and more and more often it was Ethan.  That wasn't fair to him or to me, because I hated doing it.  I hated disappointing him and sometimes hurting him because of the things that I would say when I was stressed or upset.  I was a real bitch sometimes.  I see that now, looking back, more than ever.

Now that I have taken a few months (this whole year so far, really) to just pray and focus on school and on finding myself again, I really feel like I've got it.  And you know what?  Ethan and I are talking again.  We're not back together, but we're working on things.  We both don't want to just jump back into a relationship after how our last one ended.  We're taking things slow and talking and trying to make things better than they were before we even think about getting back together for real.

So this whole self-discovery thing has been a good experience for me, in more ways than one.  I finally feel like I really know who I am and am closer to God, and it may actually make something that I had before even better, even though it seemed like I had to destroy it for good in order to embark upon this journey.

So, you see, I don't really know what my "dream wedding" would be.  I don't want to.  Not right now.  Because that's just too much to think about.  My daydreams pretty much consist of moments when I have absolutely nothing to do - that would be the most amazing feeling in the world.  I love being busy and challenged because it keeps things interesting...but man, it would be nice to have a break! Three more weeks and summer will officially begin.  Yes...

But..anyway..the wedding...no idea what I would want it to be.  But some small things, I do know.  It will be with a man that I know without a doubt is the one for me.  It's not going to be some quick, "Oh, I've known you for a month and we're perfect for each other!" thing.  I'm not going to make the biggest mistake of my life by marrying the wrong guy.  Whoever it is will be right for me, and I'm willing to wait for him, no matter how long it takes.

Oh and somewhere outside would be nice. :)

-Jordan